Reflecting on Marriage


For me, Valentines Day is always a great time to reflect on my relationship with Brooke. I think we’d agree that we’re doing better than ever. Marriage and our little family has become the best thing (and sometimes hardest thing) we’ve ever been a part of.

We’ve been married 7 amazing years now (going on 8) and I’ve noticed we’ve started to use this number more, particularly when we want the other person to do something different. “I’ve been asking you XYZ for 7 years and…” or “I’d think after 7 years you’d…” Although we have mostly great times together, there are still many things we do that the other would have us not, and I don’t think this will change any time soon.

I went to a relationship seminar while at BYU about 10 years ago and I still remember something that was shared. The speaker said, “true peace comes only through true conflict.” I really think this is true. Conflict, in this instance, is not anger or contempt, but instead sharing our feelings, needs, and desires despite what we think the reaction will be.

A good example of this was shared with me by a mentor. He said that no team is effective when first created. A member of the team will inevitably step on someones toes, fail at pulling their own weight, or even offend another member. The teams that become effective quickly are those that establish boundaries and respect them. Once everyone has found the boundaries, people can start working together within them.

Hannah Fry recently shared a TED talk (watch below) titled “The Mathmatics of Love,” an entertaining 16 minutes about what math can teach us about relationships. I particularly liked her 3rd example about how to avoid divorce. She shared a formula that was discovered by interviewing couples and recording everything about their conversation, even their heart rate and skin moisture, then tracking how long they stayed married. This formula can predict divorce 90% of the time. It can also predict the outcome of an arms race, which may or may not have similarities to marriage. 🙂

One of the most powerful variables in the formula is the Negativity Threshold, essentially how annoying one person can be before the other person lets them know it. The seemingly obvious answer is that the longer couples will let a person be annoying, the longer their marriage will last. That is incorrect. In fact, the less annoyance they will take, the longer the relationship lasts. Although it is counter intuitive, the truth is that true peace only comes through true conflict.

Maybe the things my wife and I have been saying “FOR 7 YEARS” are more important than we thought. 🙂


About The Author

Ben currently works as a senior developer and technical business consultant outside of Boulder, Colorado.

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About Buink

Buink Web Development is a development shop founded in 2009 by Ben Buie. For years, Ben built and modified web assets for clients in Utah. In 2011, he moved the company to Colorado and in 2015 he started taking on new clients full-time.

Buink’s Core Values:

  • Cost effective technology (with business strategy in mind)
  • Eloquent, maintainable code
  • Responsive and transparent communication

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Dave G.
Dave G.
14:05 13 Aug 23
Buink is a great place to work, as well as a great place to have quality software written. I originally contracted Buink for some web development, and it worked out so well we began working together on many different projects. Definitely an honest transparent company that needs to be considered for... your software more
Dru M.
Dru M.
15:41 25 Mar 21
Ben’s a super responsive, thoughtful, sharp and all around great guy to work with. Excellent with his trade. I’d recommend him to anyone. Thanks Ben!
Seth L.
Seth L.
21:36 29 Jun 19
Ben and team are incredible to work with. They are reliable and proficient. I'd highly recommend hiring them for web development work. SethVOLTAGE
Craig A.
Craig A.
20:50 18 Jun 19
It was a pleasure to work with Ben and his team. It is rare to find such attention to high standards of coding and devops.
Lexi S.
Lexi S.
15:36 18 Jun 19
Grateful to have Ben and his team as such a capable, reliable partner for completing client work!
Tom S.
Tom S.
13:18 14 Jun 19
I reached out to Buink after finding Ben’s name in a local developer/consultant listing in 2017, and I have to say, it has been an absolute pleasure to work with Buink. Ben consistently understands not just the development task laid in front of him but the business application behind the task. I’ve... never felt more comfortable with a development team than I do with Buink. I truly feel Ben and his team are integral partners in the success of my more
Marilyn F.
Marilyn F.
22:47 13 May 19
I could not recommend Buink Web Development more highly. Ben and his team have recently developed a budgeting app for me (both web and IOS). I have had the opportunity of working with them for over a year and I am extremely happy with the results.I would say that the biggest plus for me is that I... trust Ben completely. From the very first, Ben has helped me make decisions that were in the best interest of my company. I have never felt like he is taking advantage of me. Ben does his best to keep the whole process very open and upfront. I have really appreciated that.I tell people all the time that I love my developers. And I do. I'm very happy that I chose to use Buink to develop my apps. It was the best business decision I could have made.If you are looking for someone to develop a website or app, I strongly suggest choosing Buink Web Development. They are fantastic!Marilyn Ference, President, Defend Your Money, LLCread more
James Landon B.
James Landon B.
01:33 28 Aug 18
Great company to help with all your web design needs!
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